1. The prior
The prerequisite to forgiveness is to stop the offense or to avoid offense. I owe it to myself to maintain the conditions of my survival. An offense is a threat and I can not accept it. There goes the respect I owe myself and protection I need to live.
2. Recognize my injury and I acknowledge my suffering
There is no question of denying or minimizing the offense. It
would be of repression, that is to say close an infected wound without
having cleaned; the abscess forms beneath the suture and risk of
infecting the whole body. I must remember. If I forget the offense suffered, I can not forgive! To
forgive is to free someone what he took me without asking him or give
the gift of the fair compensation that I was entitled to expect;
recognize my injury, it is also enter my vulnerability! Injury reveals my weakness. You know the expression "it hurt his chink in the armor". Disclosure
to the general weakness of my day can get me to break the shame and the
ideal image I had of myself: I wish I was strong. But no! I have limits, I can sometimes be weak, dependent, incompetent, inadequate, powerless.
3. Find someone to share my hurt, my pain
Bury my injury, the brooding, this is the best way to fester inside me. I must say it, stamp it out in words. The
spoken word is like draining pus from an abscess, drainage of all the
bitterness, resentment and pain received at the location of my injury. We must find a sympathetic ear and warm, capable of giving comfort and consolation. It may be near. But family and friends sometimes do not know how to answer, are disoriented, destitute. They can also be tiring, especially if the wound is so deep that it needs to say and to repeat. You should know when to turn to professionals listening therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists. It takes courage to go find someone unknown to him and talk about yourself, and accept his shame than to expose his weaknesses. But it is also a way to love yourself and say: "I am someone important to me and I am worth it to heal my wounds." Cutting me, the other has forgotten the respect due to every human being and he treated me like one treats a thing. After this injury, I need an approach that puts me in my entire humanity. A psychotherapist may be that vis-à-vis human foster reconstruction.
4. Name what I lost to enter this grieving process
I must identify the loss, by the wound he made me, my abuser took me something. For the sake of pain or created, at least it took me a bit of my serenity, my health. He hit me in my integrity. It has tarnished the image I had of myself. Moreover, it is important to separate the offense itself and felt my interpretation that I give:
-
My feelings may be exacerbated by a very similar, older, non-treated,
and that makes me react to the offense this disproportionately. In this case, we must first start with care to treat the offense the oldest.
-
About the interpretation that I give myself to the offense, it is often
programmed by learning what I did in the infancy of this kind of
situation. But it is possible, by becoming aware of this initial learning relearn otherwise. You can not change the facts but we can change the angle you see them!
5. Accept my anger and desire to take revenge
Anger as a feeling, is a good thing when she blurts out answers to an injury. She
tells me that there was interference with the integrity of my country
and in addition, it provides me with the energy I need to restore my
borders. I
just have to guard against letting it decay, or in the judgment of
conviction which reduces the other to his unacceptable act, or even less
destructive acting out. In all of us, there is a child. This child felt humiliated, powerless to protect themselves. He feels trapped by his fear and pain. He
dreams of regaining his power by inflicting a crushing defeat the other
and for this it will seek assistance from all available parts of his
personality, especially those who judge and condemn. If,
instead of investing in a process of judgment and condemnation, I take a
little time to help this child (which is myself) to express through his
humiliation, fear and sorrow, in a climate of respect, my desires for revenge will soon disappear.
6. Understand my offender
It is important that I make the effort to understand my offender trying to see things momentarily from his point of view. Of
course, this will be neither to excuse nor to minimize what he did, but
simply to be honest and return the gesture of the other in its concrete
context. His story led him to this act that crossed my own story. But with this gesture that hurt me, the other certainly was trying to get something good for himself. With
this in mind, let us not forget to remind us that the offender is a
human being that can not be reduced to the bad aspect of his act. However,
even if we want to know everything about his offending, we will never
fully penetrate the secret, or even discover the reasons for his
actions, reasons often unknown to himself. We
are faced with the mystery of a living person, so that understanding
the offender means accepting not to understand everything!
7. Find meaning in what happened to me
Any real suffering, provided the scan patiently teaches me important things about myself. And thus, I opened unimagined possibilities for myself and for my relationship with others. Thus one can discover the gift buried under the offense. I for one am always amazed by people whose lives manifest that. For
example, I think of these remarkable parents, after suffering the loss
of a child because of a perverse abuser or an incurable disease, founded
an association to help other parents in the same case. I
also think this patient, this man entrepreneur in the busy life, whose
son has greatly hurt the addict, and which, in turn, founded an
association for the prevention of drug addiction by selling toys for children.
8. Decide my response to this injury
Answer other than revenge: revenge, it does not require fair compensation for
the harm that I caused, but rather hurt because I was wronged. This is taken to model destructive behavior which I am already costs. How could it build me? If I knowingly and willingly as my attacker, in avenging myself, on what grounds can I criticize his gesture? My revenge engages an endless spiral going the other does he not turn to seek revenge for my revenge? Avenge myself, it would invest to extend a past of suffering instead of investing in the healing of my injury.
Decide to stop feeding the conscious emotional experience of my past life was before. Emotions must be expressed. It must be time for that. Therapists are there to give time and place, a space to express these emotions. But this space has limits. Myself a perpetual victim is an attitude that can bring me benefits because I seek consolation. I can also reduce my life to this misfortune and interact with others and thereby obtain account or celebrity. I become important in the eyes of others in this way, this offense. My
need of protection can be so big that my sin can be found all the way
to constantly seek friends, family, medical environment. Ment but to live full, I must grow up and give up what others always complain to me and protect me. I have to assume the responsibilities of my life to come without me crystallize on my past suffering.
Tell his offender: I forgive you! This forgiveness is a condition of survival. This is not to allow the other, offended by his past, to continue to hurt me in this. I allow her to continue to hurt me if I stay in the world of revenge, or if I still consider myself a victim. Forgiveness is an event that is to say that there is a before and after. This is a conscious decision and reasons comes after a long journey. Forgiveness is a gift. It is I who decides I'm ready and I give it. Forgiveness is a personal relationship between the offended and the offender. It is important that it be granted explicitly.
9. To forgive yourself
This self-forgiveness condition the pardon granted to the other. It is in that I realize and accept my limitations and my finitude that I can have compassion for others and forgive him. To forgive ourselves, we have to love. But often, it is steeped in low esteem for oneself, even hatred. This
hostility towards oneself comes first negative messages received in
childhood from parents anxious, aggressive, sick or clumsy or
ill-intentioned educators. It is forged and an inferiority complex that can make me always disappointed me. I have to forgive me for not necessarily being as others expected me to be. I
have to agree to be who I am and look at me with my own eyes by freeing
myself from belittling or disapproving look which has weighed on me as a
child. Another reason for the hostility towards oneself just looking for happiness and absolute perfection. This desire to be perfect, perfect, omnipotent, conflicts with the reality of our limited humanity. Growing up is learning to tolerate and accept his finiteness his sense of guilt for not being perfect. I do not have to lock myself in eternal regret of what I should do or be. Realizing and forgiving me my own fault, I can design and forgive those of others.
10. Decide what I want to make this relationship
Forgiveness is not necessarily restore the relationship. Many people do not forgive because forgiveness would mean for them again as before. No,
forgiveness is a decision, after devoting adequate time to listen to my
injury and the expression of feelings associated with them, not to
actually invest energy in these emotions, forgiveness for the past. For the present and the future, I am responsible for answering the following questions
The prerequisite to forgiveness is to stop the offense or to avoid offense. I owe it to myself to maintain the conditions of my survival. An offense is a threat and I can not accept it. There goes the respect I owe myself and protection I need to live.
2. Recognize my injury and I acknowledge my suffering
There is no question of denying or minimizing the offense. It
would be of repression, that is to say close an infected wound without
having cleaned; the abscess forms beneath the suture and risk of
infecting the whole body. I must remember. If I forget the offense suffered, I can not forgive! To
forgive is to free someone what he took me without asking him or give
the gift of the fair compensation that I was entitled to expect;
recognize my injury, it is also enter my vulnerability! Injury reveals my weakness. You know the expression "it hurt his chink in the armor". Disclosure
to the general weakness of my day can get me to break the shame and the
ideal image I had of myself: I wish I was strong. But no! I have limits, I can sometimes be weak, dependent, incompetent, inadequate, powerless.
3. Find someone to share my hurt, my pain
Bury my injury, the brooding, this is the best way to fester inside me. I must say it, stamp it out in words. The
spoken word is like draining pus from an abscess, drainage of all the
bitterness, resentment and pain received at the location of my injury. We must find a sympathetic ear and warm, capable of giving comfort and consolation. It may be near. But family and friends sometimes do not know how to answer, are disoriented, destitute. They can also be tiring, especially if the wound is so deep that it needs to say and to repeat. You should know when to turn to professionals listening therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists. It takes courage to go find someone unknown to him and talk about yourself, and accept his shame than to expose his weaknesses. But it is also a way to love yourself and say: "I am someone important to me and I am worth it to heal my wounds." Cutting me, the other has forgotten the respect due to every human being and he treated me like one treats a thing. After this injury, I need an approach that puts me in my entire humanity. A psychotherapist may be that vis-à-vis human foster reconstruction.
4. Name what I lost to enter this grieving process
I must identify the loss, by the wound he made me, my abuser took me something. For the sake of pain or created, at least it took me a bit of my serenity, my health. He hit me in my integrity. It has tarnished the image I had of myself. Moreover, it is important to separate the offense itself and felt my interpretation that I give:
-
My feelings may be exacerbated by a very similar, older, non-treated,
and that makes me react to the offense this disproportionately. In this case, we must first start with care to treat the offense the oldest.
-
About the interpretation that I give myself to the offense, it is often
programmed by learning what I did in the infancy of this kind of
situation. But it is possible, by becoming aware of this initial learning relearn otherwise. You can not change the facts but we can change the angle you see them!
5. Accept my anger and desire to take revenge
Anger as a feeling, is a good thing when she blurts out answers to an injury. She
tells me that there was interference with the integrity of my country
and in addition, it provides me with the energy I need to restore my
borders. I
just have to guard against letting it decay, or in the judgment of
conviction which reduces the other to his unacceptable act, or even less
destructive acting out. In all of us, there is a child. This child felt humiliated, powerless to protect themselves. He feels trapped by his fear and pain. He
dreams of regaining his power by inflicting a crushing defeat the other
and for this it will seek assistance from all available parts of his
personality, especially those who judge and condemn. If,
instead of investing in a process of judgment and condemnation, I take a
little time to help this child (which is myself) to express through his
humiliation, fear and sorrow, in a climate of respect, my desires for revenge will soon disappear.
6. Understand my offender
It is important that I make the effort to understand my offender trying to see things momentarily from his point of view. Of
course, this will be neither to excuse nor to minimize what he did, but
simply to be honest and return the gesture of the other in its concrete
context. His story led him to this act that crossed my own story. But with this gesture that hurt me, the other certainly was trying to get something good for himself. With
this in mind, let us not forget to remind us that the offender is a
human being that can not be reduced to the bad aspect of his act. However,
even if we want to know everything about his offending, we will never
fully penetrate the secret, or even discover the reasons for his
actions, reasons often unknown to himself. We
are faced with the mystery of a living person, so that understanding
the offender means accepting not to understand everything!
7. Find meaning in what happened to me
Any real suffering, provided the scan patiently teaches me important things about myself. And thus, I opened unimagined possibilities for myself and for my relationship with others. Thus one can discover the gift buried under the offense. I for one am always amazed by people whose lives manifest that. For
example, I think of these remarkable parents, after suffering the loss
of a child because of a perverse abuser or an incurable disease, founded
an association to help other parents in the same case. I
also think this patient, this man entrepreneur in the busy life, whose
son has greatly hurt the addict, and which, in turn, founded an
association for the prevention of drug addiction by selling toys for children.
8. Decide my response to this injury
Answer other than revenge: revenge, it does not require fair compensation for
the harm that I caused, but rather hurt because I was wronged. This is taken to model destructive behavior which I am already costs. How could it build me? If I knowingly and willingly as my attacker, in avenging myself, on what grounds can I criticize his gesture? My revenge engages an endless spiral going the other does he not turn to seek revenge for my revenge? Avenge myself, it would invest to extend a past of suffering instead of investing in the healing of my injury.
Decide to stop feeding the conscious emotional experience of my past life was before. Emotions must be expressed. It must be time for that. Therapists are there to give time and place, a space to express these emotions. But this space has limits. Myself a perpetual victim is an attitude that can bring me benefits because I seek consolation. I can also reduce my life to this misfortune and interact with others and thereby obtain account or celebrity. I become important in the eyes of others in this way, this offense. My
need of protection can be so big that my sin can be found all the way
to constantly seek friends, family, medical environment. Ment but to live full, I must grow up and give up what others always complain to me and protect me. I have to assume the responsibilities of my life to come without me crystallize on my past suffering.
Tell his offender: I forgive you! This forgiveness is a condition of survival. This is not to allow the other, offended by his past, to continue to hurt me in this. I allow her to continue to hurt me if I stay in the world of revenge, or if I still consider myself a victim. Forgiveness is an event that is to say that there is a before and after. This is a conscious decision and reasons comes after a long journey. Forgiveness is a gift. It is I who decides I'm ready and I give it. Forgiveness is a personal relationship between the offended and the offender. It is important that it be granted explicitly.
9. To forgive yourself
This self-forgiveness condition the pardon granted to the other. It is in that I realize and accept my limitations and my finitude that I can have compassion for others and forgive him. To forgive ourselves, we have to love. But often, it is steeped in low esteem for oneself, even hatred. This
hostility towards oneself comes first negative messages received in
childhood from parents anxious, aggressive, sick or clumsy or
ill-intentioned educators. It is forged and an inferiority complex that can make me always disappointed me. I have to forgive me for not necessarily being as others expected me to be. I
have to agree to be who I am and look at me with my own eyes by freeing
myself from belittling or disapproving look which has weighed on me as a
child. Another reason for the hostility towards oneself just looking for happiness and absolute perfection. This desire to be perfect, perfect, omnipotent, conflicts with the reality of our limited humanity. Growing up is learning to tolerate and accept his finiteness his sense of guilt for not being perfect. I do not have to lock myself in eternal regret of what I should do or be. Realizing and forgiving me my own fault, I can design and forgive those of others.
10. Decide what I want to make this relationship
Forgiveness is not necessarily restore the relationship. Many people do not forgive because forgiveness would mean for them again as before. No,
forgiveness is a decision, after devoting adequate time to listen to my
injury and the expression of feelings associated with them, not to
actually invest energy in these emotions, forgiveness for the past. For the present and the future, I am responsible for answering the following questions
